PATIENT: Doctor, I'm frightened. This is the first time I've had major surgery.
SURGEON: I know how you feel. It's the first time
I've done any.

What did one germ say to the other?
'Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin.'

SURGEON: You should have sent for me sooner. Your wife is very ill.
PATIENT'S HUSBAND: I thought I'd give her a chance to get better first.

What do you call a fish that performs operations?
A sturgeon.

Why did the vampire go to the dentist?
He had fang pangs.

NURSE: Doctor, this is the second operating table you've ruined this week.
SURGEON: I must learn not to cut so deeply!

What's a chiropodist's favourite song?
'There's no business like toe business.'

SURGEON: How is he after his heart operation?
NURSE: He's doing well but he seems to have two heartbeats.
SURGEON: I wondered what had happened to my watch.

SURGEON: I'm afraid we have good news and bad news, Mr Shorty. The bad news is that we've had to take off both your feet.
The good news is that the man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.

'Doctor, Doctor, I'm at death's door!'
'Don't worry, I'll pull you through.'