What's the best way to avoid catching diseases from biting insects?
Stop biting them.

'Doctor, there's something wrong with my stomach.'
'Keep your coat fastened and no one will notice.'

What do surgeons do with their mistakes?
Bury them.

What kind of bandages do people wear after heart surgery?
Ticker tape.

Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
It does if your aim is good enough.

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
His drill slipped.

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon?
He sat by the fire and melted.

I'm sorry to call you out so late, Doctor.
That's all right. I had to come out to see someone in the next street so I might just as well kill two birds with one stone.

I'm homesick.
But this is your home.
I know, and I'm sick of it.

What do you get if someone hits you on the head with an axe?
A splitting headache.