What happens if you eat uranium?
You get atomic ache.

What's hairy and has a running nose?
A coconut with hay fever.

'Doctor, I've got a terrible pain in my lower back.'
'We must get to the bottom of this.'

'Doctor, can you give me something for my liver?'
'How about a rasher of bacon?'

Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a lavatory.
Hmm, you do look a bit flushed.

What do you call a woman with only one tooth?
Peg.

What happens if you get poorly on 24 December?
Christmas 'eave.

What do you want to do when you leave school?
I'd like to follow the medical profession.
You mean you want to be a doctor?
No, an undertaker!

What happens when a psychiatrist says you're schizophrenic?
He charges you double!

If athletes get athletes' foot, what do scientists at the Ministry of Defence get?
Missile toe.