What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested custard.

What's the difference between a sausage roll and a dead rat?
I don't know.
Then I'll eat the sausage roll and you can have the dead rat.

Why are fried onions like a photocopier?
They keep repeating themselves.

Why were the tomatoes red?
Because the greengrocer told them rude stories.

I don't like all the flies in this restaurant.
Tell me which ones you specially dislike and I'll have them thrown out.

Why is Camembert called a two-handed cheese?
Because you eat it with one hand and hold your nose with the other.

What do zombies eat with bread and cheese?
Pickled organs.

What did the vegetarian tiger eat?
Swedes.

What do you get if you cross a pig with a zebra?
Striped bacon!

What's a mushroom?
The school dining-hall.