MOTHER: Come in for your dinner! Are your feet dirty?
DAUGHTER: Yes, Mum, but I've got my shoes on.

My brother just broke my doll.
How did he do that?
I hit him over the head with it!

Why were you sent home from school?
Fred was smoking.
But why were you sent home if he was smoking?
It was me that set him alight.

Who was that at the door?
Someone collecting for the old folks' home.
Give him your grandad!

After we'd been married a few years we heard the patter of tiny feet.
Was it a boy or a girl?
Neither, it was rats.

You eat like a pig! You know what a pig is, don't you?
Yes, Dad, a pig is the son of a hog.

Why don't you go and play football with your little brother?
I get tired of kicking him around.

'Mummy, Mummy, I don't want to go to Australia.'
'Shut up and keep swimming.'

I'd like a diamond necklace for my wife, please.
I'm sorry, sir, we don't do exchanges.

Do you know anyone who's been on the telly?
My little sister did once, but she can use a potty now.