My uncle died last Sunday. He had a heart attack when he was down the garden picking runner beans for lunch.
How dreadful! What did your aunt do?
What could she do? She got some frozen peas out of the freezer.

What's old, pink, wrinkled and belongs to Grandma?
Grandpa.

I looked up my husband's family tree...
I found half his family were still living in it.

'Mummy, why can't we have a dustbin like other people?'
'Shut up and keep eating.'

Does your wife miss you a lot?
No, she's a very good shot!

That's a fine stuffed lion.
Yes. My grandfather bagged it in India when he went there with grandma.
What's it stuffed with?
Grandma!

I don't think my parents like me very much.
Why's that?
When I asked them for a pet they bought me a piranha fish.

'Why did you divorce your husband?'
'He bit his nails in bed.'
'That doesn't sound too awful.'
'No, but these were 15-cm steel ones - he's a carpenter!'

'My husband and I were happy for 25 years.'
'That's good.'
'Yes, then we met.'

How do you get a paper baby?
Marry an old bag.