I can't sleep.
Why not?
Well, Granny broke her leg and had it put in plaster, and she was told she couldn't climb the stairs.
How does that stop you from sleeping?
She makes a heck of a racket climbing up the drainpipe!

How are you getting on with the lawyers?
We're having so much trouble settling my husband's estate I'm beginning to wish he hadn't died.

What did your dad say when you were sent to prison?
'Hello, son!'

If your father borrowed £100 from me and paid me back at £5 a month, at the end of six months how much will he owe me?
£100
You don't know much about arithmetic.
And you don't know much about my father!

Who can explain the difference between like and love?
Well, I like my mum and dad, but I love chocolate cake.

Your grandmother has lived with us for five years now. It's time she went back to her own place.
My grandmother? I thought she was yours!

How do you want your hair cut?
Like dad's, with a hole on top.

My granny was a medium.
Really? Mine was outsize.

Why don't you buy your wife a mink outfit?
What, a trap and a gun?

Where are you going?
To the cinema.
What, with dirt all over your face?
No, with my sister!.