Where's your sister?
She's abroad.
I asked where she was, not what she was.

How is your husband's bad back?
Not very good. I rubbed it with whisky as the doctor suggested but he dislocated his neck trying to lick it off.

'Your dad's out of this world.'
'Mum sometimes wishes he were.'

How old is your dad?
I don't know, but last year there were so many candles on his birthday cake we had to call the fire brigade.

I'd like to have your daughter for my wife.
Why, hasn't she got one of her own?

Dad won't play cowboys and Indians with me.
Grandad says he will.
He's no good, he's been scalped already!

What is a bigamist?
Someone who makes the same mistake twice.

What can I give my sister for her birthday? She's got everything!
Penicillin?

My husband thought he was a crocodile.
What did you do about him?
I had him made into a handbag and a pair of shoes.

I see your dad's shaved off his beard again.
Why does he keep doing it?
It's Mum, she's been restuffing cushions.