A motorist got a puncture. 'Did you drive over a nail?' asked his wife.
'No, a milk bottle,' replied the man.
'A milk bottle? Couldn't you see it?' asked his wife.
'No, the stupid man had it in his pocket.'

A mountaineer got into difficulties when he was dangling from a rope over the edge of a precipice. As his friend began to pull him up, the rope started to fray.
'What will we do if the rope breaks?' asked the man fearfully.
'Don't worry,' called the other man. 'I've got another.'

What do you do if you split your sides laughing?
Run until you get a stitch in them.

One day a number of small boys, one by one, each confessed to their priest that they had thrown peanuts into the river.
The priest was puzzled by their statements, and when yet another lad, this time a rather bedraggled one, came in he said to him,
'I suppose you threw peanuts in the river too?'
'No,' howled the lad. 'I am Peanuts!'

'My dad was so keen on road safety that she always wore white at night.'
'What happened to him?'
'Last winter he was knocked down by a snow plough.'

A tourist in Arizona met a Native American who was lying with his ear pressed to the ground.
'What are you listening for?' he asked.
'A stage coach passed here 15 minutes ago,'replied the Native American.
'How do you know?' asked the tourist.
'Because it broke my neck!'

Did you hear about the man who tried to blow up a bus?
He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

Why didn't the shark eat the woman who fell overboard from the ship?
It was a man-eater.

Will you help me blow up my bike tyres?
Certainly. Where's the gunpowder?

What happened to Ray when a 40-tonne lorry ran over him?
He became Ex-Ray.