How did the burglar manage to die of lead poisoning?
Someone shot him.

What happened to the man who struck a match by a gas main?
He rests in pieces.

What did the comedian say when someone threw a turnip at him?
'Would someone like their head back?'

I'm all red and blistered from sitting in the sun.
Well, I guess you basked for it.

What happened to the burglar who fell in the cement mixer?
He became a hardened criminal.

My Aunt fell under a bus last week and died.
Oh dear, were you very close?
Just close enough to give her a push!

PASSERBY: Have an accident?
ACCIDENT VICTIM: No thanks, I've already had one!

What do you call a non-swimmer who falls in a river?
Bob.

Who exploded at Waterloo?
Napoleon Blownapart.

Why did the idiot fall out of the window?
His mother asked him to iron the curtains.