What were Batman and Robin called after they'd been run over by a lorry?
Flatman and Ribbon.

What did the prisoner say when he was put on the rack?
'Looks as if I'll be here for a long stretch!'

What goes ho, ho, ho, plop?
Santa Claus laughing his head off.

How can you avoid dying?
Stay in the living room!

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Halfway!

What do you get if you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What's a guillotine?
A pain in the neck.

What happened when the karate expert joined the army?
When he saluted he knocked himself out!

Why did Henry VIII have so many wives?
He liked to chop and change!

BARBER: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in?
MAN: No.
BARBER: Oh dear, I must have cut your throat!