What time is it when you sit on a drawing-pin?
Spring time.

Why have you got a black eye?
I hammered a thumb in woodwork.
But that doesn't explain the black eye.
It wasn't my thumb!

How do you make a Venetian blind?
Stick your finger in his eye.

How do you make a Maltese cross?
Pull his ears.

How do you make a Swiss roll?
Push him off an alp.

Did you know your friend fell out of the car back there?
What a relief! I thought I'd gone deaf!

I hate to tell you but your head teacher has fallen down a wishing-well.
It works!

My uncle disappeared while on a deep- sea diving trip.
What happened?
Something he disagreed with ate him.

What do executioners write in December?
Their Christmas chopping lists.

Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?
He wanted to put something by for a rainy day.